Something has been happening to me recently. Not bad; definitely good, but equally hard to comprehend.
I find myself driving down the road listening to the radio broadcasting from my alma mater, and I begin to weep. The first few times it happened, I brushed it off as not being in a good mood or not getting enough sleep. I'm finding now that, though those things intensify my reactions, they are not the source.
(Please bear with me on the length; a story is needed to make my point.)
God has been softening my heart. I used to think I had the softest heart in the world, viewing it as a curse rather than a blessing because I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and therefore easily hurt. As a result, throughout my college years I hardened myself. I watched as my soft-hearted friends went through one relationship after another, somehow getting hurt each time along the way, whether it was a dating relationship or a friendship. I reached out to them as best as I knew how, but somehow it was never enough and I found myself hurting more after attempting to help.
I sat and watched those around me do one of two things: totally close themselves off to others so as to eliminate the risk of getting hurt, or find that perfect person they felt they needed to be with for the rest of their lives.
I was left with a choice: join one or the other, or be completely ostracized from both for the rest of my life. I chose to become hard. I made mostly flaky friends, a few good friends, even fewer great friends, and no boyfriends to speak of. I effectively buried myself in school, work, and t.v. shows online, not to mention facebook. I felt it was easier to live through the love lives of movie stars than attempt finding love on my own. I truly saw and heard very few.
My last year, that started to change. With my sister attending the same school, I found a new purpose in mentoring and guiding her and her friends. I admit I began with the know-it-all attitude of a senior, but felt like I was in a great place to help them get through the hard times. Slowly I began to to open up again.
Last summer I worked with kids mostly from the inner city; I taught them the meaning of hard work, of their value and the contribution possibilities that they faced in their world, as well as the meaning of friendship and caring. As I mentored these high schoolers and face discipline issues with some, I realized that I had something to give to the world, too. I mean, I've always known that God created me for something, but I've never known really what.
Now, with these abrupt moments of heart wrenching tenderness, I've realized that God has begun to create in me a heart that matches His. I almost can't believe it; it's what I've been praying for since last year! Now this is what I see:
- sitting in her car at a stoplight, a woman who has been so hurt by her family that she can't even imaging anyone seeing her heart, seeing how she longs to be loved, longs to give love, longs to mean something.
- a dirty car mechanic who walks into my Caribou, gruffly asks for a cup o' joe, slams down his money and stalks out. No one sees how cruel people have been to him, how many times he's 'tried church' just to be looked down on because of his alcoholic past.
I could go on and on....
I have begun to pray every day for God to set up the divine appointments that He wants to in order to spread His love through me.
I am being changed, revolutionized.
I have been hurt, too many times to count, but only a few times seriously. Now I'm finally beginning to see what the Bible means when it says that Jesus will heal all wounds and bind up the brokenhearted! For as much as it hurts when people we love say cruel things, backstab, or outright spit in our faces, imagine what the rest of the world feels..... and they don't have the great healer we do.
We are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus, to bring His hope and healing to those who can no longer lift up their heads, whose hearts are so hard nothing on earth can melt them. We cannot fail. We cannot give up for our selfish reasons, for our pride.
Though it's only a small step, I'm starting to figure out where God is taking me. I am called, much as every other Christ follower, to serve. That's all I know now, but when we think about it, that should really be enough.
"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
~Micah 6:8
